I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
