woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
