well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
