Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm like, not good at living.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
