My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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