apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
