Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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