Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
