I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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