thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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