His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
