I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
