Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
