can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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