So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
