So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
