Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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