3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
