did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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