I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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