Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
