I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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