i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sext me about skeletons
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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