sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
