How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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