He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
