Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
wow bdsm is so cute
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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