I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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