I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
