turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
