There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He better not be in your backpack
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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