Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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