haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
