I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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