i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
