I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
