dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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