can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
