I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I still have a little drunk in my system
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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