Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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