There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this will be a night to untag.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
