I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
