Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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