Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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