I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
