My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't deserve a penis
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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