Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
