o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize