can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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