Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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