good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
