I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
