I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
