Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
