We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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