Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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