I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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