Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
