I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
