i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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